What Infertility Took

Social media is an awesome and powerful tool. It has blessed me with support and new friendships while we were family building. I had wonderful opportunities to connect with other people who understood my life and who could help lift me on hard days. It was also through social networking we were able to spread the word we were hoping to adopt. This helped connect us to one of our children’s Birth Mothers.

Since we have finished building our family social media has brought a new understanding. I have come to understand what infertility took from Brad and Me. Infertility took time, dreams, money, and a lifestyle. Often I see my sweet fertile friends post on Facebook about their latest child graduating from high school or their latest vacation to some other country. I see them building beautiful homes and starting careers. Many of them were really smart with their money early in their marriage so they are in a really great place financially.

I am happy for my friends. I really enjoy seeing their pictures and I am happy they are happy! But I also feel a sense of loss. While people were family building the traditional way Brad and I were scraping up every dime we had to try and try and try to get pregnant. So many years of trying, so much money spent on something which never produced anything but heartache. Once we realized adoption was meant for us, money and time was once again a huge factor in our lives.

In many ways we relate with friends who are younger than we are. They are in the stage of life we are in with our kids. I am almost 42 and I am getting ready to send my youngest to kindergarten. I am now evaluating where I am in my life. Where am I going from here? I won’t have a child at home for part of the day. I feel a little lost. Next year when he goes to first grade I will have even more time on my hands. What do I want to do with myself? I have my Associates degree but didn’t go beyond because I wanted a family. That became our focus. Today I long for the right answer.

It seems each step of living with infertility brings new grief and lessons. Each new lesson brings an opportunity for growth and I realize I am better for the experience. But at times it hurts. Would I go back and change any of it? No. It was our path to travel and I am forever grateful for all we have learned. Most of all I am grateful for these amazing children in my life. They were, and are, worth waiting for, working for, and they are my heart! I know the answers to my questions will come at the right time. I just have to be open, have faith, and move forward. I also realize I am not alone. I am not the first to come to this new understanding of what infertility took. I won’t be the last either. I hope sharing my feelings on this topic helps someone else know they too are not alone.

Brenda Horrocks is a mother of four children through adoption.
She promotes adoption, foster care and Utah’s Safe Haven Law through blogging, public speaking and writing. She enjoys time with family, reading books, running, gardening and movies.